This is one of my very first blog posts where I openly wrote about my faith. It came out of a time of heartbreak, sadness, vulnerability, and darkness. Remember, no matter what we are walking through, God is with us every step of the way. The best way to experience Christ is to walk with Him through the valleys.
August 6, 2015
The memories are still there. I don't think they will ever go away. They get a little harder to find now, though. I've been looking back on my life a lot recently. I can't help but remember all the good times. All the fun moments, laughs, inside jokes...but when I think about those things, the pain comes rushing back to the surface.
Flash back: I think about how infatuated I was with you, all of you. I think about how "in love" I was, but I was so young I didn't even know what that word truly meant. I remember so many times wishing that you would like me back. Wishing that you could see me for who I was...who I am...but I never got those feelings returned. So many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering when my prince would come for me. Thinking that if someone could just see me for me, it would all be okay.
Fast forward: I thought he did come. I remember thinking to myself, "Woah, this is the real deal. I honestly can't believe this is actually happening to me." I can't even begin to tell you how good it felt to feel loved by you. Even as I sit here writing this, crying, I still hold onto that feeling of love. I felt like I finally had found my person, the one to see me for me. But my head was still too far into the clouds. I lost myself, I lost sight of who I was. Soon, I began to lose sight of the shore and I started drowning. Drowning in the idea of us, in the idea of who we were. I tried so desperately to swim to you, to do everything I could, to make you happy. But in the end, that just wasn't enough. I was quickly sinking and the one person, I thought, would save me wasn't there anymore.
But it's okay, I understand. Sometimes good things fall apart. It doesn't work out. People change, feelings change...I'm starting to see that. We get too caught up in what we think "love" should look like, and when we think we have it figured out, the picture of it just comes crumbling down.
Thank you, all of you, for shaping me into the woman that I am today. I truly and honestly say that from the very bottom of my heart. The way I care about each of you and the memories I have will forever be with me. We will move on and find our "ones". I hope that the time we were in each other's lives helped to shape you into who you need to be for your forever person, I know you've done that for me.
The pain comes again. It creeps up and I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm suffocating...so I cry. I cry and I cry and I'm so sick of feeling this way. Like I have no control of my emotions and the way I feel. Everyone keeps telling me to talk to You. Everyone says to have faith, that it happened for a reason, accept it and I will find peace. But right now, I don't think I know how to do that...
I mean, I pushed You away for so long. How could I possibly ever find You again? But You're here. You always have been AND always will be.
I just have to call out to You and You will be there to hold my hand. When I was way out at sea and lost sight of the shore, You never left me. When the one person I thought would always be there for me didn't come to my rescue anymore...You did. No matter how far I stray You have always been there to welcome me back with open arms. When I come running back after being away for so long You wrap me in Your embrace.
When society says, "you're ugly"...You tell me, "you're beautiful". When he says, "I don't love you anymore"...You say, "I never stopped". When I say, "There is NO way I can do this on my own"...You exclaim, "Let Me carry you."
One thing I have realized is that You need me too. You need me to be close to You and honor You in every aspect of my life. That's why it hasn't worked out yet...that's why it will continue to not work out until You put the person You see fit there. I see that now.
So here's my promise to You: I promise to worship and love you unconditional for all the days of my life. I will love others the way that You love. I will run as fast and hard as I can towards You and know that I will find someone along the way to keep up with me. I mean, You are God after all. You know my heart and the plans that You have set out for me. Why wouldn't I trust you?
In a time of darkness, You pointed me to the light. When I felt like my heart was shattered into a million pieces, You picked them up and put them back together again.
I have found myself in You, Lord. I am who I am, because of You. Thank you for mending my heart and showing me what true love is. Showing me what that little four-lettered word actually means...what it encompasses. I know that I have a lifeguard, a Savior...someone to pull me back up again. Someone with arms stretched so wide and encouraging me to come running back into them.
Your daughter forever and always,
When I go back and read this, I am reminded of when Jesus was gathering His disciples (Matthew 14:22-33). Peter is able to walk on water when he is looking at Jesus, but the second that he's afraid and looks away is when he falls into the water. I know that I have experienced this in my life; I think that we all have. We have moments where we are so focused on Jesus and we feel invincible. But, as humans, we are so quick to doubt and have little faith in God's plans. If we continually focus on Jesus and keep Him in our sight, we will always walk on the water. I put all of my faith and love into a relationship that was of this earth, when I should have been putting all of my faith and love into my relationship with the Creator.
Jesus is always going to be there to pick us up time, and time again. No matter the circumstances, no matter how far we run...He is always there with arms spread wide calling us back home again.